I submitted my dissertation to my committee yesterday (can I get a what what?!)
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Let’s pause for a second so I can tell you what that was like. Because it was really unlike any other submission experience of my life. All day I was thinking “okay, so I’ll go home, finish checking references, and submit. NBD.” It was going to be like when I submitted my first year exam or something. Send an email, sit back in my chair, sigh.
Then I actually entered the last page number in my list of figures and went to save it as a PDF, and my world came crashing down around me.
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My thoughts included:
- I forgot something. No, I forgot all the things. They’re never going to let me graduate with this piece of crap.
- This is easily the best thing I’ve ever written.
- I can’t let go of my baby! Why are they taking my baby?!
- THANK GOD this thing is being excised from my life.
- Nope, not ready. Not ready at all. Maybe I’ll just wait till tomorrow.
- Is that a typo? Nope, just a speck of dust on the screen.
- HOLY SNOWBALLS, my title sucks.
That heart-in-throat, blood-pressure-rising, omg-I-can’t-even-hit-the-send-button, if-I-fail-at-this-I-fail-at-life feeling was easily unlike any other I’ve experienced up to this point. Once I actually managed to hit “send,” it felt like the world’s largest elephant had been lifted off of my shoulders (but he was quickly replaced with a second, slightly smaller elephant, whose name strangely happened to be Defense). I called my partner, made some zucchini-and-onions (a comfort food fave from my childhood), poured a glass of wine, and collapsed on the couch.
And this morning is weird. I had settled into something of a routine, getting up at 4:15 or so to feed the pup, work on the diss for a couple hours, go for a very short run with my furry best friend, and head to work. But this morning I’m not sure what to do with myself. So I made coffee. Window shopped on Amazon. Checked Facebook (but nobody’s up, so once you look at your newsfeed once, it’s not like there will be new posts the next time you hit “refresh”). Checked Twitter (same problem).
I’m sure I’ll find things to do in the coming weeks (my list is long… now I have to prepare for the defense, among articles that need to be submitted and other such things). But this morning, I’m happy to blog, enjoy social media, drink coffee, and bask in the awesomeness of no more revisions (at least for the next month).
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